Fatal Beatings
by Pyjamapants
Summary: you'll have to forgive my weird, academic sense of humor on this one, but anyway, it seems that Zack or Cody has gotten into trouble with the new principal at their school, so Carrie investigates. Try to enjoy. Oneshot


Carrie Martin sat down nervously opposite her sons' new principal, Mr Winkins, with a slight sense of foreboding. Mr Winkins had been teaching Zack and Cody for a little over a week now, and she had thought that it would only be a matter of time before she was called in due to some form of bad behaviour.

"Yes, yes, Miss Martin," Winkins said politely, "tea?" he offered.

Carrie politely declined the tea and said, "well, let's get straight to it – I mean if Zack's in trouble then I think we should sort this out as quickly as possible."

"I'm afraid that it's _Cody_ I asked you to come and talk to me about."

"What?" Carrie was stunned. "I think you must have made a mistake," she looked up at the principal, "they are twins, you know."

"No, no," Winkins continued adamantly. "Cody's the younger, slightly…scrawnier one, yes?" Carrie flushed with anger. "Yes, yes, I thought so," Winkins continued, oblivious to the death-glares Carrie was giving him. "Well, recently Cody's behaviour has left much to be desired," he said. Carrie's eyebrows shot up. "He seems to have no interest in school life _whatsoever_: he refuses to 'muck-in' on the sports field, and it's weeks since any teachers have received any written work from him."

"Really?" Carrie was shocked out of her rage. "That's really not like him…well, maybe the sports part…"

Winkins nodded in agreement. "Yes well quite frankly, Miss Martin, if it weren't for the fact that he's dead I would have him expelled."

Carrie stared at the principal for a moment before saying, _"I beg your pardon?"_

"Yes – _expelled!_" Wilkins nodded furiously. "If I wasn't making allowances for the fact that he's dead he would be out of here."

"Cody's _dead_?"

"Yes," Winkins took a sip of tea. "He's lying up there in the sick bay now, stiff as a board, and bright green," he took another sip and surveyed Carrie's expression. "And this is, I fear, typical of his current attitude." Carrie opened and closed her mouth, but no sound came out. "You see, Miss Martin," the man continued, "the boy has no sense of moderation; one moment he's flying about like a kite, and the next moment he's completely immovable," he sipped his tea again before adding, "and beginning to smell."

"But-but how did he die?" Carrie felt her heart beating wildly in her chest.

"Well is that important?"

"_I_ think it is, yes!" Carrie flared up at once.

The principal sighed impatiently. "Well…well it's all got to do with the _library_, you see; we've had a lot of trouble with boys recently – they've been taking library books without library cards. Your son was caught, and I administered a beating, during which he died." Carrie stared. "But you'll be glad to know that the ringleader was caught, so I don't think we'll be having any more trouble with library discipline. You see, the library card system-…" Carrie cut across him.

"I'm sorry, you _beat_ my son?"

"Yes," Winkins said impatiently.

"To _death_?"

"Yes, yes, so it would seem, now please, I'm not use to being interrupted. Now where was I? Oh yes, you see the library card system-…"

"Well exactly what happened?"

"Well apparently boys were just slipping into the library and just _taking _the books!"

"No, during the beating!" Carrie shouted furiously.

"Oh that? Well one moment he was bending over, the next he was lying down, I mean…"

"Dead?"

"Well yes, dead-_ish_, I suppose. Now Miss Martin, I find this morbid fascination of yours with your son's demise quite disturbing. You see what I called you to talk about was his _attitude_…and quite frankly I can see where he gets it from." He looked at Carrie with a disturbed glare.

"Well it wasn't me that beat him to death!" Carrie yelled.

"Well that was perfectly obvious from the first moment I saw him!" Winkins yelled back. "I think that Cody could have turned out to be quite a different boy, had you administered some fatal beatings early on."

"Are you _mad?_"

"I'm _furious!_" Winkins yelled. "In order to accommodate the funeral I had to cancel afternoon school on Wednesday!" he said angrily picking up his books and putting down the empty cup of tea.

"But-but…" Carrie was shaking her head frantically. "This is ridiculous!"

"Yes, it is!" Winkins yelled. He paused for a moment before saying calmly, "or at least it would be, if it were true…" He smiled jovially at Carrie, who felt waves of relief wash over her. "I've been joking, Miss Martin. Please excuse me for my strange, academic sense of humor. I've been pulling your leg."

"Oh, thank _God_," Carrie smiled, sagging back into her chair.

"Yes," Winkins agreed. "I wouldn't cancel afternoon school to bury that little shit!"


End file.
